Introduction

Shame around sexual desire is one of the most unspoken and yet deeply felt issues affecting South Asian couples.
Whether it shows up as emotional distance, conflict, anxiety, or a sexless marriage, the root often lies in inherited belief
systems. These are shaped by culture, religion, tradition, modesty, honour, and silence. They form invisible scripts
around gender roles and intimacy, teaching couples what's acceptable to feel, express, and ask for and what must
remain hidden.

As a South Asian couples therapist, I see this play out often. The struggle isn't a lack of love. It's the absence of
language, safety, and understanding around sex, desire, and intimacy.

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?

Sexual shame is the internal discomfort, fear, or guilt a person feels about their sexual thoughts, desires, or behaviours.
In South Asian culture, this often starts early.

The messages we receive whether explicitly or through silence are powerful:

- Good girls are modest, selfless, and respectable.
- Sex is something to give, not to enjoy.
- Speaking up about sexual desire is shameful.
- Sex is for procreation and for your husband to enjoy.
- Women should not find sex pleasurable

Meanwhile, boys are
- expected to be strong,
- emotionally guarded, and sexually confident
- never vulnerable.
- Masculinity is often linked to dominance, control, and performance.

Conversations about sex are taboo, avoided, or reduced to surface-level advice when preparing for marriage.

This creates a deep and confusing disconnect.
Men are taught to desire without intimacy. Women are taught to connect without desire. And both enter marriage often unequipped to talk about sex, attraction, fantasies, or boundaries.

How Shame Affects Intimacy

When sexual desire is something to feel ashamed of, it begins to erode connection.

In therapy, I often witness:
- Sexless marriages where intimacy has quietly faded.
- Where sex has been a mere tool for procreation
- Emotional disconnection masked by duty, loyalty, and routine.
- Women who fear judgment for expressing sexual needs or enjoyment.
- Women an dmen unable to express their fantasies for fear of judgement from their partner
- Men who feel confused, disconnected, or emotionally distant in bed.
- Couples who have never had a real conversation about sex, even years into marriage.
- Ashamed about sex - Thinking that sex is dirty

Shame makes it hard to be emotionally vulnerable, sexually expressive, or even curious. Without space to explore these
layers, resentment, loneliness, and frustration build silently.

Giving, Receiving, and Asking for Pleasure; Which Feels Most Shameful?

For many, all three can carry shame.

- Giving pleasure can feel like an obligation tied to duty. There's no pleasure or enjoyment involved
- Receiving requires vulnerability but when you are silenced by shame, you dont even know where to start from.
- Asking for what you like in bed or how you want to be pleasured feels impossible, especially for women, who may fear being labelled "fast," "immodest," " she's been sleeping around" or "selfish."

This shame is deeply entangled in cultural, religious, and family expectations. It's not easy to unravel. For many women
and men, the act of desiring or fantasising or longing for more can trigger anxiety, guilt, shame and the fear: "What will people say? what will my partner think of me?'

Shame is relational. It exists in the gaze of others, whether this is real or imagined. It's not just about sex. It's about being seen, judged,
or misunderstood by the people we love or grew up trying to please or comply with.

Arranged Marriage and Sexual Compatibility

In many arranged marriages, conversations about sexual compatibility are skipped altogether.
While many arranged couples build beautiful, loving partnerships, others struggle when emotional or sexual connection
isn't nurtured.

Compatibility or suitability is a tick box exercise of family expectations, religion. It doesn't automatically create sexual or physical intimacy.

Without emotional openness and sexual communication and curiosity about what 'my intended desires or fantasises about', even the most suitable' matches can feel lonely, disconnected, stuck and lifeless.

What About Women Who Want Passionate Sex in Marriage?

Many South Asian women desire emotional connection and fulfilling, passionate sex in their marriages but feel caught
between two impossible roles:

- The "good wife" who is selfless, nurturing, and modest.
- The woman who embraces her sexuality, wants more, and asks for it.
Too often, women internalise guilt for wanting more than dutiful sex. They worry about being judged, ashamed, misunderstood, or
rejected. So they stay quiet, hoping their needs will somehow be met without having to voice them.

But silence doesn't build intimacy. It builds distance.

How Can Therapy Help?
Culturally sensitive couples therapy can offer a safe, non-judgmental space to explore and heal.
It can help you:

- Unpack the shame and silence you've inherited
- Develop language to express your needs, boundaries, and desires
- Rebuild emotional and physical intimacy with your partner
- Navigate cultural, religious, and familial expectations without guilt
- Create a relationship where both partners feel safe, seen, and desired

This isn't about rejecting your culture, religion, or family. It's about understanding the stories you've inherited and
choosing which ones you want to carry forward, and which ones no longer serve your relationship.

You Deserve Connection and Pleasure

If you're struggling with sexual shame, emotional disconnection, or a sexless marriage know this:

You're not alone.
These issues are more common than you think.
With the right support, it's possible to unlearn shame, express desire,
and reconnect with your partner emotionally and physically.

I offer culturally attuned therapy for South Asian couples who want to rebuild connection, intimacy, and safety without
shame.